Wednesday, May 11, 2011

breathing in the time of trees

It's been a long time since I posted here. A lot has been happening. And a lot has been changing. I have been working in the birth community for 7 years now and this past January, I started to hit my wall. I have two children, 3 and 7 and while they are not babies, they still need me most moments in every day. When I am not busy with them, I am busy with our home, our garden, our kitchen (I revel in the pleasure of cooking and more so, eating), and time for myself? Hmmm, not sure where that happens. Oh and I have a husband who I would prefer didn't turn into a room mate which means he needs love too. Trying to do all of this and care for my business, my clients, is well, a little tricky.

I have been struggling with this for some time now, actually since my daughter was born. I had a moment a couple of weeks ago when I wanted to go back to 2007 and give myself a hug, a good, honest loving hug. I was trying to do too much, be too much, prove too much. I couldn't keep all those balls in the air. Sometimes I would drop the business ball, sometimes the dinner ball, lots of times the mothering ball. And my own ball? I'm not sure it was really in there most of the time.

So, in February after a transformative weekend painting with Annie, I came home, clear as a sunny day, that it was time to put my work on hold for a while and give my attention to the job I already had. It's not been an easy decision, nor a light one, but it is a good one. Being home with my family, spending my days, for the first time since my son was a baby, being at home, being a mother, enjoying food, creating our garden, feeling more like a whole woman again (sometimes I still feel scattered), is the best thing that I could have done for myself and my family.

Now, before you start emailing me with the virtues of the working mother, this decision of mine is not a comment on stay at home mothers vs. working outside the house mothers. It is not a judgment at all. In fact I think most women can pull of home, family and work way better than I can. This is just what I need to do for my own sanity right now. And no, I am not considering changing my name to June, Clever that is, nor do I own a string of pearls (yet). Caring for my home, the kitchen garden, enjoying beautiful food and a dinner table surrounded by the day's chatter is what feeds my soul right now.

I'm sure I'll come back to work, when exactly, I don't know. My littlest one is going to be 4 this year and the time with my children feels as though it is slipping through my fingers. I want to be awake for every moment of it, even the rotten ones. Because as I look back on myself when she was just a baby and I spent so much time getting this business to where it is, I missed so much that I will never, ever, get back. I'm not going to make that mistake twice.

So, if you are looking for prenatal classes, I am still offering private sessions, you are welcome to contact me if that is up your alley. Art classes are always available for those who want to explore their hearts through a creative process. Just let me know and I will open the space for you.

There will be a time for me to embrace this work on a larger level again, everything happens in seasons. But for now, I am simplifying my life, enjoying the gift of creating my home, being with my children and trying to breathe in the time of trees.


CBC reported this past week that if a stay at home mother earned what she was worth, she would be making $126,593 a year. What we do is work and clearly, we are gravely underpaid : )

1 comment:

Dadaholic said...

Thank you my dear, for being the wonderful you that you are.